Times have changed….

Grandma, Mom and me

Man how times have changed. I was a teenager. It’s been said that I still act like one from time to time. I remember that time vividly. I fought horribly with my dad. I went to my Mom when I really wanted something. I was always trying to scam something. I was self centered but I was smart enough to know where the lines were. Every word, deed, action, omission and confession had some value it was a form of currency. I worked. I made some money which I quickly spent on going out or concerts, but around the adults in my life I was always conscious of what would these things bring me or how could it hurt me. That was my and, for what I observed, my friends form of teenage narcissism.  Granted we had a different life. We were left to our own devices. Our parents cared but it was more a like a - don’t get caught don’t go to the gas chamber - type of parenting. We had freedom, enough to hang ourselves but if managed correctly we were just left alone. I have noticed today that we as parents have a strangle hold on our kids freedoms. I think it was born of what we knew about what could really go wrong and a product of how scheduled our kids are today. Compound this problem with how crazy our society has become about school performance and long term success that we have become so fearful of what’s out there and of how will these kids who we do everything for going to survive?  What we have really done to our kids is taken away any chance for them to build some street savvy.  That form of innate knowledge of the currency we knew innately. It made us able to be successful and also to get by when we should be falling.

This comes so apparent to me in my dealings with my Teenage daughter. I would not wish 16yrs old on anyone. I love her so and can see how amazing she can be but she plops down self imposed roadblocks to getting what she wants. I’m not saying that I want foster lying and insincerity in my daughter. Her fierce opinionated damn the rest attitude is admirable at times but I think we failed to teach the lesson my Mom taught me early on about doing for myself and getting what I wanted. There were 2 constant sayings in my house growing up. One was to have come from my mother’s father the other from her mother.  

Grandma Goldye and Grandpa Dave

The first was used when I didn’t know what to do with myself. Granted today kids don’t know that feeling but it instilled the belief that I was on my own on figuring things out. I need to use my head no pun intended to placate myself. It was “go bang your head against the wall” Any time I went up to my mom and said I am bored or I don’t know what to do out would come this saying. The first time she said it, I must have been 3, I did it and came back to her and asked why And she told me that this is what her father would say to her when she asked that question and she learned that when he said that to her he was really saying: ‘Don’t ask me figure it out for yourself’.  I never asked her again, why did you say that to me?, but it took me until about 9 to stop going to here to ask for ideas. Slow learner I guess.  This manifested itself later on in my ability to self start.

The second Saying was: ‘You get more with sugar than you do with vinegar’. My mom would say this to me whenever I demanded anything or had a fight or disagreement with my friends. She said her mom use to say that to here and as one of the golden rules it has served me well. It made me a good sales person, sensitive to others needs and more often than not has given me the ability to get most of what I want through life. I have not taught these lessons well in this case.  

I share so much with my daughter. The love of music to be sure is the first. She really enjoys going to concerts and here musical tastes are leaning towards mine. I could be the best thing that ever happened to her regarding her ability to go to and get to the concerts she wants. I had been able to get these messages through to her she would be at a concert every week. LOL. I give her every opportunity and she keeps shooting herself in the foot. I floated out to her that if she would get up and be downstairs by a certain time for two days that I would go on line at ticket release and get her tickets for a show she would die to see,. She didn’t even know that Bon Iver was coming to NYC. She would be in school and unable to get on line for the mad ticket dash on Friday at 10am. I would have done it for her. As predicted she blew it. She came down and said I planned on being down but I fell back to sleep. She said this as if it was our fault. I felt bad for her inside but she needs to learn these lessons. She needed to get the currency of doing and getting. I feel like this is the biggest lesson I can teach her because it carries over to everything. It will affect her in her college, work and home life forever. 

This all happened this morning but it rears its head regularly. I can only hope that these little failures in getting what she wants will help her learn the lessons sooner than later. Armed with this she will go far without it I fear she will just bump into walls moving forward.  It’s tough love but I don’t know what else to do. I am not punishing her. I am giving her the opportunity to earn something and hopefully she gets it soon.