Impetuous

Ok so it’s started, but, why really? I find it interesting how my get up off my ass initiative works. So many of my friends are highly organized planners. You know who you are. They think through every decision. Explore it from every angle. No choice is made lightly. I don’t really know how happy they are with their choices long term but these people are pretty convincing in there conviction not so casually attained. I have tried to show this kind of discipline in some choices and have found that it rarely made a difference in the outcome. I have relied on my gut for as long as I can remember. I’m not saying it always works. I have made some really fucked up choices. I think it’s my inner 13 yr old who drives me this way. So it is.

While typing this I had this ripping through my head I guess it captures the essence of it for me… Disturbing huh..

After I completed my first entry I started thinking about why I actually opened up word and started typing and it was obvious that there was some impetuous, some genesis which pushed me. The fact is that most all of the things I do (which give me satisfaction or pleasure) are due to this. There were times in my life when I thought it was the spirits of my Grandmother and Grandfathers guiding me; other times, it felt from hindsight  that I was on a wheel repeating these things over and over through time, (Hippie logic born what seems like a lifetime ago) and moments where the choices represented some distraction I needed. I have thought long and hard about the latter over time and have written something on this and will post that here some day. That was the only real complete essay, not from school, I have ever written prior to this. Yet, this decision doesn’t feel like any of that. It opened my eyes to a new thought of things that guide me. When I started typing it felt as if a big bubble had just burst. I was not aware of the bubble but after the fact it was plain as day. It took a pin to burst it and it was and influence of looking a particularly bad blog. It made me think Hell I can make a blog this bad and if he can do it so can I. The paradigm shift was instantaneous. All the fears, lack of how/ what to do and blockage just want away. I have yet to open this to the public but I will at some point. Hence, you will get a chance to see a bunch of ramblings that will hopefully define the structure of all this.

I am finding that conversations on Facebook are giving me food for thought. I would guess that at least for the short term much of what I post here will come from those sparks. That impetuous to put it down in words has come from these external nudges that crack the outer shell, the boundary between the inner me who is active and creative and the outer my who can be quite stagnant. If ask most people they wouldn’t describe me this way because I am always building, cooking and tinkering. It’s hard, very hard to shut me up about the things I am doing but in reality there is so much more whirling under the surface. I know to most of my friends I seem tireless and always on the go, driven to hyper focus on whatever fancy has caught me for that particular period of time but in reality it is all the same thing. I have that yearning to be creative and tend to be distracted… That includes being distracted from my distraction. I am versed in more shit than most and this propensity has confined me to being a master of none. I hope that this process helps focus me to lean more towards the commitment of taking my music and writing past the dabble, and into the deap…